GERMS OF LIFE

Hey You,

2011-11-27T15:51:00.002+05:30

Release me from this pain, suffering,

Give me my freedom,

A place where there is just me,

A kingdom without your memories

Give me that paradise where,

Your fragrance does not indulge my soul.

Give me my thoughts back,

Let me sleep and not dream about you,

Let me talk and not have you in my thoughts.

Please, give me what's always mine,

If it's you.

There's my God,

Holding onto someone,

If you are God, bless me too,

Take me too - make me live.

I will give you my body and my soul,

Insult it, hurt it, mutilate it,

But, keep it with you.

Give me some hate if I deserve it,

Don't give me love, don't give me ignorance.

This bliss is my grave.

If words speak not well to you,

Look into my eyes.

Let them look into your soul,

Give them time and they shall speak,

Or be the one to blind me.

Curse me, humiliate me, judge me,

Just don't stay silent, don't stay away.

End this with a final blow,

Take it all away.

A Rain Drop At Your Window Pane

2011-11-27T09:48:00.000+05:30

I wont let you have me now,

I'll just be at the sidelines,

Watching the game of your life,

From a distance,

Sitting quietly at the shore.

Just like the paper dolls at the window sills,

Watching the rain pour on the streets,

Just like perfumed roses at dusk,

Sitting at the desolate corner of the garden,

Spreading a mysterious sweetness.

I will knock at your door,

But, never step inside,

Just sit there quietly at a distance,

Watching the game of your life.

VODKA, MY LOVER

2011-11-02T23:41:00.001+05:30

I spat blood all over my wedding gown,

Festivity and frolic,

Fear and pain

And then some more vodka

To get vulgar - more blood.

There's the man of my dreams,

The dreams made of crystal,

An affair with alcohol,

Crazy demons in the bed at night

Some blood and some vodka.

The vomit and the stink of it,

Settling down inside the skin,

Soft and smooth vodka,

Smelting the demon out of the soul,

Cry and laugh together.

The stickiness of spit and sweat,

Spilt bile on the dance floor,

Naked men and women with breasts,

Vodka shots in sweet crystal glass,

Lust and betrayal.

Final, faithful friend,

Sweet memories and wounds,

Barking dogs splitting the silence of the night,

Fear of shame,

Shameless slut on the mattress - naked.

Dripping blood,

Indulging the vodka,

The night of sorts,

Penis and big breasts,

Vodka, blood and cum.

Void

2011-08-23T00:12:00.000+05:30

Blank. Blank. Blank.

No Doubt - Don't Speak

2011-07-04T07:11:00.000+05:30

2011-07-03T18:16:00.001+05:30

Let me play your memories in a loop and it will be just a moment before I realize that my life just past me by.

What Will I Do?

2011-07-03T17:00:00.000+05:30

When each moment of my life,

Would remind me of you.

When a smile will fade into tears

And laughter pass into grimmace.

What will I do,

When I see you in a lovely dream

And wake up to a realization

Of sad loneliness.

When the best part of my life

Will change into a ghost

When trees will not be green anymore

And the wind will not be sweet

What will I do,

When the voices in the street

Will wreck my brain

Jump around, and make me die

What will I do,

When songs, music and silence

All would conspire against me

And feed me your thought?

What will I do,

When I would still love you?

Long after you are gone

Much after I'm dead.

What will I do,

When my songs are,

Without music!

Power Of Thought

2011-03-05T21:26:00.000+05:30

Let my thought be powerful,
Let my thought be powerful.

It lives inside of me, like a swarm of bees and the froth that collects near the shore, it hits the fringes of my mind and stays there in hopes of percolating deeper. The heaviness of the heart melts into the buoyancy of the free thoughts. Thoughts of hope, thoughts of light, thoughts of thoughts. Like a slender and soft body rubbing against another, creating a slippery friction of pleasure, each thought sinks down tenderly and evaporates leaving behind only a sweet mist of bliss. Just like many liters of water seeping down a bed of sand, washing away all the lose soil and leaving behind only the shiny, pure sand.
How can it be? Is the dream different from thought? I dream not. I just have these ideas of perfection, thoughts of beauty and magic. Every inch of my body feels it but I somehow feel it not. And then it happens again, I dream yet again.

Black Or White

2011-01-29T13:36:00.000+05:30

Reversie has struck a chord with me and I can play that game endlessly, sometimes thinking hard of the future moves and often just turning the coins and seeing the board unfold into a array of patterns and possibilities. I find parallels between this harmless board game and how life lives between each one of us. You build a white castle with years of efforts and in just the next move it all turns into a black dungen of emptiness. If you see the bigger picture, the universe itself alters between 'energy' and 'matter', one turning into the other for as long as 14 billion years now! The universe is built up of complimentaries and we being one with the universe reflect the same in our character and inherent nature.

Throwing Pebbles - Poem

2010-12-12T15:02:00.000+05:30

I'm throwing small pebbles at you,
A little smile on my face
Looking at your reflection on the lake
And you just sit and don't hear a thing.

Small ripples running through your face
Ruffling up the beauty of your eyes for a moment
And rubbing them all over the banks
Sending a flutter through the resting birds

I'm trying my best!
Throwing those small pebbles at you
But, you look away, move fast
Move out into a blurred lake,
All that is left are those pebbles and me.

I Love

2010-11-08T12:14:00.000+05:30

I love tofu!
I love the smell of vegetables!
I love those horrible, silly movies about wars and loops!
I love my book of laws!
I love long bike rides!
I love cricket!
I love my huge stupid boots!
I love the smell of my deodorant!
I love my rough beard!
And, I love the way I love everything about me!

My Baby Shot Me Down :(

2010-11-07T23:07:00.000+05:30

My baby shot me down :(

Death

2010-11-06T21:56:00.000+05:30

Death, all of a sudden, seems so certain. A cold, frozen and lonely death mocking at all the years that I have to still live. Trying to give me a comforting company every moment. The certainty of an end, of all things good. That is the only reason why death is bad, it ends all hopes of finding life again.
The Gita promises no heaven, no hell. Our heaven and hell is here and we live it. We, humans, are incredibly stupid creatures. We celebrate birth of a child, we celebrate the beginning of an inevitability of suffering, pain, desires and death and we morn at the peace that death brings, the end of all miseries.
Men who have truly lived, have always mocked at death and savored their end. Men who have truly loved have found true embrace in the arms of death.
Our miseries are of our own making! We choose to be happy and we choose to be sad. And sometimes we make ourselves vulnerable so that sadness chooses us. We make ourselves weak so that happiness escapes our faces and the lines of loneliness form our faces. We grow old. We grow helpless. And we all this while we grow our ego! We want to tell ourselves that we are better than the rest, we are solders, we are powerful and witty. We tell ourselves that we will live. And in the end Death comes to our rescue and frees us of our false ego and pride. Death shows us how to live.

Am I Good Enough?

2010-10-09T21:52:00.000+05:30

There's never no reason to cry.
When you sit all alone at night
Stare at those blinking lights
Fight out the night with the moon
Make chains of ugly thoughts
Sit up and do nothing for a while.

Then there's this voice ringing inside of you
Speaking a tongue you never knew
But, your heart sinks with each word
Feeling the pain of the unsung song
Here's a road, painfully long

Am I good?
Am I good enough?
And when your thoughts fade
The ugliness of your soul lives on ...

Spring Cleaning Get Priority Over Me !

2010-10-01T17:45:00.000+05:30

Now, I agree that Facebook is a big distraction, Internet can be a lure and there are other 'things' that can distract me several times (trust me, distraction only, not a priority). But, what happens when silly things replace you from the top spot of your loved one's priority list? When you desperately want attention (yeah, you would want it all the time, but what the hell) and you don't quite get it! When you get replaced by something as silly as 'spring cleaning' for the laptop!!!
This is insane!!!

I Hate ...

2010-09-20T20:49:00.000+05:30

I hate tofu!
I hate the smell of vegetables!
I hate those horrible, silly movies about wars and loops!
I hate my book of laws!
I hate long bike rides!
I hate cricket!
I hate my huge stupid boots!
I hate the smell of my deodorant!
I hate my rough beard!
But, even if I try I cannot hate anything more than the times when I miss you!

Ganga Behti Ho Kyon

2010-09-15T21:58:00.000+05:30

This song touched me when I heard it for the first time as a child. I did understand the meaning of the song but had not seen the circumstances in which Ganga should cease it's flow! Now, I have!

It Sucks When I'm Missing You!

2010-09-15T21:42:00.000+05:30

It sucks when you check your phone each time it buzzes 'cuz of a message and you wish that it's from someone you're missing. And each time you check your phone even when it's not buzzing to check if everything's alright with the damn thing. And it sucks when you try to do a host of things to forget and each of those darn things remind you of all the things you want to forget (may be 'cuz you don't want to forget 'em in the first place right?) You want to be reminded of 'em, and you want to be remembered.

It sucks even more when you get a short message and a few lines in your mailbox but never that long call or that involving email. It sucks when you know nothing can be done and you know 'it is all for good'.

It sucks so much when you have to smile at stupid jokes and enactments around you when you really want to cry and shout, 'Honey, I'm missing you!' And it sucks when you can't say it, not at all. It sucks so much when your only thought is the one that is making you feel miserable. And it sucks the most when you know there would be so many of these stupid days ... so many that they will roll up into months and years at times!

Everything at home just stares at me. Doesn't say a word, doesn't even blink, doesn't go to sleep when I do. All the things just keep staring day in and day out and make me miserable. Everything a reminder of days when we're together, of days when you're here. And the days pass so damn slowly, even when they are rather huge days with work, struggle, laughs, antics, tennis and friends. They just seem to be stuck in a large bowl of a very sticky glue and don't pass at all. And they don't pass at all especially when you lie down in your bed and close your eyes, waiting for the night to roll over into a bright day. The day just stays, right there, and stares at you. Teams up with the rest of the things and mocks at your love.

It sucks to feel lonely and it sucks to know that the best of company will not be able to comfort 'cuz you know what, 'I'm missing YOU!'

Into The Wild? Not Anymore REALLY!

2010-09-11T20:23:00.000+05:30

'Into The Wild' is one of my all time favorite movies. It has all that it takes to make it to the list of top 250 movies on IMDB. Till sometime back I had this notion in my head that I would, in fact, do something similar (which does not include getting killed in the end). You know, take the bike out on to the Himalayas or camp out in the Sahara or spend years and years in Africa. I always believed that the thing that I loved the most was my solitude and I would not let anyone or anything come in between me and my solitude.
It certainly was not a stupid notion of the young mind (I'm 26 remember!) I always knew that I was not gonna get married and I always knew that I would love a life away from the society. Eddie Vedder was right about Society and its crazy ways after all. But wait, something seems so different all of a sudden!
I think the solitude that drove me to such crazy notions was nothing other than the lack of love in my life! Now, when I have enough love I feel normal again! I feel that I, like most other people of the world, just want to be loved and want to be able to love someone passionately! That is what the world is all about. Mr. Alexander Supertramp, you were wrong about life and the society. It is actually a pleasant gift and no, I'm not living an illusion.
The history respects men who 'fought fiercely and loved passionately!'

PS: Into The Wild is still one of my favorite movies.
PPS: It is any day better than stupid movies like Twilight (and I can say that about Twilight without even having seen it, yeah, call me prejudiced :P).
PPPS: I would love to watch Twilight (or any other numerous movies like it) as long as I have YOU cuddling up with me :)
PPPPS: I love you :)

How To Make The Perfect Scrambled Egg

2010-09-10T22:33:00.000+05:30

This is not just a blog post, it is a dedication and salute to the greatest food 'invention' of all times - scrambled egg!
It has often come to my rescue, like today, when I feel too lazy to cook and the weather prevents me from going out. I thought of writing this blog post to show my respect towards the king of all recipes and the slayer of all types of hungers (I don't know what I mean by 'all types' ... let me know if you do!).
Here's how I make it:
1. Break a couple of eggs in a bowl.
2. Add salt to taste.
3. Add about 4-5 table spoons of cold milk.
4. Mix it all well (you can add pepper powder if you like the taste).
5. Heat some butter (or 'ghee') in a deep frying pan.
6. Add the mixture to the heated butter and keep stirring it as it thickens.
7. Take the pan off the flame just before the water starts to separate.
8. Place it on your toast.
9. Serve with chilled beer, hot coffee or fresh juice (not all 3 together ... duh!)

It will open up your brain, heart and the soul.

YOU!

2010-09-07T16:10:00.000+05:30

"तेरा तुझको सौपते, क्या लागत है मोरे,
मेरा मुझमें कुछ नाही, जो होवत सो तोर!"

For those of you who understand the meaning of these lines, Yay! And for those who don't, well, let me just say that these lines are the most profound way of saying 'I love you'. These lines literally mean:
"What do I lose by offering you what's yours,
I am, but a manifestation of you, after all"
They explain a relationship that exists between the 'God' and a true believer. And 'God' is not always an unfathomable, imaginary, omnipresent but ostentatiously absent figure of higher existence and belief. 'God' is sometimes more human than humanity, always around to help you on your feet without the need for prayers.

2010-09-06T22:54:00.000+05:30

मैं शायर तो नहीं,
मगर ए हसीं,
जब से देखा,
मैंने तुझको, मुझको,
शायरी आ गयी !

Counting The Space Between Us

2010-09-04T22:49:00.001+05:30

Let me just be here tonight
And count the spaces between us
Let the silence speak for us two
While you sparkle right there
And I sit with myself.

I can't dream for you
Can't always be the twinkle in your eyes
Or the sweet smell, fresh on your brow
But, I will see you dance tonight
And count the spaces between us

When you wake up smiling
Am I the song in your head?
Or is it just the lingering praise
From the night before in the club?

Look at the sky again tonight,
Do you see what I see honey?
You and I chasing our dog on the beach,
And a sea of understood thoughts
A togetherness of misfit.

May be it's just me dreaming again,
Swarms of emotions, reckless and lame,
Dreams of unsaid words,
Songs of unfelt pain.
And all I do is count these fucking spaces in vain.

Digital Detox Month

2010-08-30T20:34:00.005+05:30

I have decided to observe a Digital Detox Month (DDM) starting tonight (12:00 AM). It would essentially mean staying away from all things digital as much as possible or using them in minimalistic ways. The end result of this is not in my head right now but if nothing else, it would give me some time to reconnect with myself.
Here are a few things that I would be following:

No Facebook, not even responding to the messages.

Will check email only twice a day, early morning and late evening.

No sms (flexible for urgent ones).

No movies.

Music is allowed but only the songs stored on my mobile.

Inclusion of one or more forms of physical exercises - tennis, swimming would be ideal, even a small run everyday would be fine.

Would be receiving phone calls but would not encourage long conversations.

Would make phone calls only to family members and people who are going to be family in future.

Read as many books as possible ('Read' := 'Read' OR 'Re-read')

Will write (even on digital media) as it is one of the prime outlets of creativity for me.

Will stay back home on weekends.

No parties.

Will avoid contact with people as much as possible.

No gossip.

No coffee or tea (I have already quit alcohol).

Would use system only for writing.

No junk food (Indian junk food as well as Western junk food).

No chat on any client.

PS(1): I do have to go to office where it is impossible to stay away from all this but I would try to avoid it as much as possible.
PS(2): 'One month' can be anything between 15 days to 45 days depending on the circumstances and situations prevalent at that time.
PS(3): I may update this list now and then with things that I may have forgotten right now.

Dear God

2010-08-24T11:25:00.004+05:30

Dear God,
Most people just go by faith, you know that! People of this earth are not equipped with the senses to fathom you or to make sense of the things that happen around them which they attribute to you and your might. And in the end, it all comes down to faith. If one has faith, You are real, You are the controller (the Creator and the Destroyer). If faith exist, You exist! You, God are dependent on this silly preoccupation of the people of the earth which they themselves cannot explain nor define. Faith.
And this faith is not Your creation. No. You created (maybe) the universe and the organisms, You created us humans, gave us instincts and reason to overcome those instincts. You gave us imagination and means to express it. You gave us many more gifts but not faith. We created faith ourselves. We created faith and established your existence on earth! And it is this faith which still keeps you alive. You know as well as anyone else that you have no control over faith. It is not the fear of things going wrong, nor the joy and happiness of good things of life that keeps the faith going, it simply has no explanation at all. If You were asked to explain the reasons for faith, you would see your first defeat!
I bow down at the temple, churches, mosques and gurudwaras. I believe in Your holy men, men with healing powers, men capable of gathering faith towards themselves and towards You. I bow down, mostly without making any prayers, but only as a mark of respect. And that respect is not entirely towards You, it is towards the millions of people who have bowed down in those places before me. That respect is towards the faith that these people have in those holy places of worship. A faith which has no reason yet is so powerful that since time immemorial it has claimed lives of millions and given reasons to live to even more. I bow down in respect for these mortals who make the immortality of you alive with their never ending faith.
Perhaps, it is just the incapability of humans to understand the workings of the world that inspires the faith that keeps You alive. But, I have seen that the men with greater understanding of the universe have a greater faith in You. Perhaps, all explanations are unnecessary and even uncalled for.
For me your existence is merely in the faith that MY LOVE has in You. If You wish to keep the illusion alive You know who should never lose faith, You know who should always remain happy, You know who should always remain lucky, You know who should always keep loving me and trusting You!

Prasoon

We Are the World - Lionel Richie, Tina Turner, Michael Jackson

2010-08-23T10:31:00.000+05:30

I just love this song! Thinking about how special the making of We Are The World would have been gives me goosebumps. So many world class singers on a single platform singing together! It's just amazing.

I'm Not Perfect!

2010-08-17T21:46:00.002+05:30

I know I'm not perfect,
Will never be even if I try,
And everything about you,
Is perfection personified.
So, I'm scared,
I'm scared of tomorrow,
Of the time when you'll let go.
The day you'll say the words,
"Honey, we were never meant to be!"
I will cry, you know,
But, I will not beg you to come back,
You deserve better,
And I will let you go.
And if ever you come back to me,
I'm not sure what I'll do
Will I kiss your lips?
Or just stand and shed tears of pride!
I want to be that man,
The man you can look up to
But too weak are my thoughts,
Too strong are my faithless instincts
I will try again is all I can say,
And if you love me you'll stay!

My Lucky Star

2010-08-16T00:42:00.001+05:30

I'm falling in love with you
Now and ever, like never, never before
A kiss, a sniff and a passing moment
And a smile that I had so long ago

That cuddled up evening,
The smile of unspoken feelings,
My heart and your heart's beating,
A love that'll never be gone.

I have no promises to keep,
No tears to shed no pain to ease,
You and I, we're the perfect thing,
Like the lighted star of outer space.

Each moment and the moment in it,
Like a loopy spiral of love,
I have set my mind to your faith,
My soul has taken your bait.

So, I will kiss your lips again,
Each day and every hour now,
Look in your eyes and whisper,
"You're my lucky star"

मैंने आहुति बन कर देखा - अज्ञे

2010-08-12T14:31:00.004+05:30

मैं कब कहता हूँ जग मेरी दुर्धर गति के अनुकूल बने,
मैं कब कहता हूँ जीवन मरू नंदन कानन का फूल बने,
कांटा कठोर है तीखा है, इसमें उसकी मरियादा है,
मैं कब कहता हूँ वो घट कर प्रांतर का ओचा फूल बने|

Man and Woman

2009-12-28T04:29:00.002+05:30

There are such myriads of things that women is blessed with that would make any man jealous. The special touch that only a mother can have for her child. The father cares, yes, but only the mother has the gift of being a mother to her child, something which no number of words can describe. The way a man feels about his child can fill a few pages perhaps and yet be miles of written lines away from the feelings in a mother's heart!
A man can love a woman, give her his best, take good care of her, fulfill her dreams; yet only a woman can be love, demand care in the most special way and be an aspiration to millions.
A woman can understand nature in a way no man can ever understand nor witness. Because a woman carries a part of nature inside her, a little seed of innocent laughter, joy, intellect and future!
The pain that a woman goes through during a child birth is, I believe, a bargain that she made with God when both the man and woman fought for this lovely gift of being able to reproduce something as beautiful as themselves. Being the major component of this divine phenomenon makes a woman much more closer to God than a man can ever be!

Ashamed

2009-11-09T01:03:00.001+05:30

I'm just sitting on my beanbag
Watching the vultures over the crying child
Too scared to cut down to the world below
Too cared for to step out of my home

In a few minutes more she would be no more
I would cry a minute and sleep and dream
I wish I wake up in horror
And try to look at myself in the mirror

I wish I can see beyond things are thongs
Of people and their clever thoughts
I wish I can smile again before me dies
I wish I could kiss this girl who cries

Fat, ugly, bald and fake (the world that is)
And the little girl just sits and weeps
She lost a jewel in the sands of the mountains
She will climb again and see the peak

Let's make way, the fat lady comes
She's fed too well for singing the song
It aint the end that would be written
In books of fantasy and love.

Jeremy is born again ...

2009-10-21T00:21:00.000+05:30

king Jeremy is born again
diving in waves and whirlpool
the pool of blood a little thicker now
the kissing lips chapped and cold
Jeremy, oh he's born again

random bytes of smiles on FB
Oh, Jeremy why'd you cry on youtube
the little lucy is watching unmoved
she's grown too big for her breasts
Jeremy, you're the king once again

the emo kids come out and stare
from behind the dark eyes of gloom
this misery will not end very soon
the fire just got hotter with alcohol
pills, oh Jeremy what you will?

a huge pile of rotten books
mysteries of lost kings and broken homes
zipped up smiles and uppity moods
vast streets of narrow men
and women covered in slime and filth

young boys sitting pretty in cars
waving at you Jeremy
look ahead, look far away
slap their assess and move on
Oh, Jeremy, why are you born?

You were the last ...

2009-09-28T23:07:00.000+05:30

The painting on the wall is fading fast,
The kiss we had that night was the last
And even though the sun still shines
I know you can never be mine,
Again.

Again, I want to feel your breath
Just one more time,
When you say those million unsaid things,
Melting down in my ears, growing in me
Again.

A honey scented tear from your eye,
Almost touches my lips when I kiss you
And just then the dream ends fast
You were the last.
You know.

New, multicolor dreams will fill your heart,
Me, I played just a small part,
The world is pretty big and I'm small and scared,
With you gone, alone in my bed.
I cry.

Your last message still buzzes my head,
I've tried to delete it several times over now,
The way you asked the new guy to write something clever
To put me away, teach me a lesson.
I know.

But, you know it all too well,
A boyfriend can never be a friend,
Now I know so too,
Heart broken, losing a lover was acceptable,
But I thought I'd found a friend.

I'll stop searching now,
I should learn to live alone,
Smitten once and broken a million times over,
I'll be brave and strong
As strong as a broken man can ever be!

Devils-The coffin carriers!

2009-05-17T12:41:00.002+05:30

This poem is inspired by 'Devils-The coffin carriers'

The devil in me has risen again,
From the wrecked insides of me
Like a cry deep into the woods
And I follow the pied piper
Into my own misery and pain!

The unborn, darling baby
Killed a million times in the head
Raped and consumed
Dreams buried, conscience dead.
And I can still look into
The eyes of the mother I violated
And ask her for a baby boy.

I still get up every morning
Reach the road of that night
Where the lady I devoured
Walks no more a virgin
Like a Dracula, I
Sucked her dry, and left her
Only with unattended cries

There is still hope of love
A mud-man will rise
A new dawn will bloom
And till every night screams loud
We will not sleep still
The dreams of horror and rage
Will be left behind
A new dawn will shine.

Germs of Life

2009-05-01T11:14:00.001+05:30

I wish I could kiss the sun
Brighten up my life and that of my dog
My faithful dog who walks with me
Every morning and when I come back home.

All dusty roads and misty eyes
Surprise, unfortunate surprise
A lady with respect
And a man in disguise
And I walk my dog
Every morning and when I come back home.

A young boy and his bike
A little girl and her doll's veil
My dog barks, I hush him
Don't shout my dear dog
We're both safe
In the arms of these dusty lanes.

The Germs of Life, my entrapment
The enchanting new rhyme
Filled with muddy waters from the pond
All along in my veins and blood
Like my dog, the sun, hope and shame.

Father and Son

2009-04-29T21:55:00.003+05:30

"You will still be young tomorrow, but your dreams may not"

Father and Son by Cat Stevens is an amazing song. Cat Stevens is an amazing person. The song is an experience, so much more than anything else I've heard before.

Mama, I'm coming home now.

2009-04-28T16:57:00.000+05:30

Mama, I'm coming home now.
The clouds are not so thick
The wind only a breeze
I can ride my way back
Away from the maddening crowd.

The stupid rhyme is coming back
But its not too stupid now
Will need to dust the old guitars
And soon the rusty music will flow
I'll ride the notes, ride the flow.

Your baby will be back mama,
Back in your loving arms
Back to the yard of innocence
Smiles, mischief and the sparkling eyes.

The growing up cost me a lot
I lost love and gained wrinkles
I found sex and lost the friends
Learnt salsa and forgot to dance
New words but no poems.

I'll write a new poem again,
I'll smile and laugh and cry
Value the mind not worship the body
Feed my soul and have less wine.
I'm coming home tonight.

All bright things will again shine,
A hope, a reason and child's fingers
A mother's hands wrapped around.
Eyes with respect for the future
Hands with a strength to build.

The familiar trees and bushes
The chirping heard in the past,
I'll return to everything
The water, sunny afternoons,
A thorny lemon tree and the scars.

I have fucked up myself

2009-03-17T21:11:00.002+05:30

Open the window and jump outta it!
Jump, jump, jump outta it!
Now!

Sink in the ground below,
Skull smashed, limbs scattered
Eyes somewhere in the gutter,
Waiting to be sucked into the manhole.

Lie there fucked up for a million thousand years,
And then look back up at sky!
The birds, the vultures, the nasty beaks of desire!
The dry air and the damp mist of my blood.

Second after every fucking second,
The sun burns me down,
Digs deep into my skin and burns holes into my heart,
I laugh at it!

I laugh at it,
I laugh at it even more!
I laugh till every single strand of my lungs pains,
Then I stop and breathe the air in!

The hope I can never give up ...

2009-03-04T23:27:00.004+05:30

My hope is the love,
That hides in the corner of my heart,
The love for me and you
And other 'things' I see,
People who need a hug,
Sinners who need embrace!

I want to wake up to that hope,
Someday, I want things to be better.
Smiles on the faces,
Faces that travel and laugh with me.
I wish I saw smiles, not laughter,
Just smiles and a joy to be.

And to those who are away,
Far in the deserts and mountains,
Struggling for the next breath,
Fighting for their faith.
The faith that gives hope,
The hope that gives reason;
I just want to pass a hug,
To give them courage,
Courage to be patient and brave.

The millions who are discriminated,
On various colours and orientations,
The peace that evades the lands they walk,
The waters that are red, once pure,
The smiles behind broken lips,
Those smiles once broke for their brothers' jokes.
Silenced by clerics shameless and insensitive,
Much like that kiss from the whore.
Just pass on the hope to those darlings.

My love was seen dying on a street,
But my hope survives in a heart,
This is the heart which killed another man,
Just a few days ago on the same street.
But he hopes to go back home,
Find his daughter and wife,
Make love and give birth to a future.
This future, a little kid,
Though still in my head,
Is the hope I will continue to love!

Kiss you while you're there!

2009-02-03T22:39:00.000+05:30

I will grow old and die
And die I will one day
But today I’m alive
I’m alive and I’ll live!

The searching eyes of the crowd
And your stare that follows me
Pricks my heart till it bleeds
You know I can’t kiss you
I’m alive but I don’t live!

Sleeping in my heart
The memories of the night
Fresh like your whisper in my ear
The pain that I love
And the pain that love is!

One last night I’ll sleep alone
One last time I’ll cry
‘Cuz tomorrow we’ll meet again
You’ll smile and I’ll shy
I will become your crowd again!

I want to fix this bug
That life throws at me now
I want to live while I’m still alive
Kiss while you’re still around
I will just kill myself today
I’ll sleep and wake up happy!

Will ...

2008-08-30T22:56:00.000+05:30

I wake up and sit on my bed
The day is still not born
The long shadows of dawn are yet to come
Memories of the night still fresh in my mind
That night when I slept with the devil

This devil has no shape
No sound, no face
Thrives on my failures and miseries
Laughs at my faith in God
This devil of my dilapidated will.

?

2008-07-31T21:14:00.002+05:30

Why did Courtney Love shove Kurt Cobain's hand under her skirt before his funeral ? Love ? Sex ?

Life of pretence

2008-06-24T15:26:00.001+05:30

I know I made him cry
My dear friend, him
My only escape
From this life of pretence

The eyes of love
Had tears of separation
A self inflicted pain
A misery in the making
The words of wretched tongue
Spit from unholy mouth
Never to come back
Meant to scream and shout

And there I sat, alone
Watching life go past
I sat there, in suicide
My sunshine escaping me
My fears driving me
Fears not of hate
But fears of love
Fears of unchanging fate

And once again I walk up to him
Smile on my tattered face
I know I made him cry
My dear friend, him
My only escape
From this life of pretence
I wanted to say I’m sorry
But all I could muster
Was I love you.

All my souls

2008-06-15T01:25:00.001+05:30

I stare into the mirror
And God stares back at me
The God of unending questions
The God of the defeated me
Resting in the emptiness of my soul

There are two of us inside my body
The mirror can help a little
But never separate the twins
He’s anchored deep inside now
He’s partly me and I’m partially him

Every morning he wrecks my mind
Rents my spirit, wants to go
And every night I plead him to leave
Dream of a sleep which is never so
He takes me over, inch by inch

“My devil, my soul
Let me live again
Let me live like a child
Taste the innocence of fresh dew
Melt in the sun, and not at night
Let me cry in pain and fear
Not in rain to hide my tears
I want to run into the wild
My devil, my soul
Let me live again”

Cherub.

2008-06-09T02:28:00.001+05:30

¬¬I know I’m bad
I know you’re too young
I know this is the world
And you know this may not be real.

When love and heart speak
We become dumb
The senses get numb
And the world’s lights fade out.

When I say I love you
You tell me ‘love you too’
Is it just a phrase?
Does your heart beat too?

I know I’m crazy
And bad
I’ve been a loner though it seems not
And you are a cheerful angel.

And then I look at you again
The smile, the innocence
And I fall for you
And my conscience pinches me.

I am bad (and ugly)
Bearded and old
I am shy and cunning
Yet you are so open, so bold.

I don’t know if this is right or wrong
What the gods may say
Who would judge me but myself?
When I say, ‘I love you’!

Join me in hell.

2008-05-14T14:28:00.000+05:30

You’ll join me in hell now
Good or bad or ugly
I’m still on your mind
I occupy your thoughts
I rest in your soul
Of hate and blood
Killings and feud

And when you’ll sleep
You’ll never be alone
I’ll wreck you in your dreams
And they will never be yours now
They will be my dreams
Your aspirations, my hate
Your life, my hate
Your love, my hate
I’m taking you over.

And when your lips touch your love’s -
She would feel my warmth
I would enter her body
Through your hate for me
She would bear my seed
And I would live forever
Sit and play in your lap
Make you happy
Make you sick
Your heart will pump vomit
In your veins!
Make your face pale
As has always been.

Dark Underground

2008-05-13T12:04:00.003+05:30

On the slithery insides of a lizard
The dark is still dark
And the night is still scary
You and I are still the same
The same wretched you
The same insane me!

We don’t caress each other
We just rent and tear
Filling the voids
And creating holes in our souls
Not satisfying the needs
Just creating wants.

And peace, what peace?
There is no God
Just the devils grace
Deep inside me
And all over you
The dark underground of you
It scares me but I go on.

All we’ll have in the end is a secret
Not love; it dies when we first spoke
Not passion; we killed it together on the bed
Just one secret
Not even a tale to tell our grandchildren
Just one secret to die with.

If this is the sex
This is it.

I follow (not) ...

2008-05-07T13:35:00.000+05:30

How the street signs say ‘don’t walk’
And we follow
How the shitty streets say ‘don’t park’
And we follow
‘Cuz we’re all weak sons of Jesus
We know we’re all hollow.

Everyday is the end of me
Little by little they take me away
I shout not, never complain
I change my stance, I swing and sway
I have a mind but I have no heart
To kick and rage and frown
It is my play of miseries
And I must act the clown.

Walking in the sun I am
With a battered smile to please you
In the moments of pain I found no one
Times when I said ‘I need you’
Now you’re in my head like a snake
Your thoughts have poisoned me through
But I savor the pain
I like this death
I know its killing you too.

This land full of people I haunt
Never steady or potted
Putting all the rocks together
To drown myself to the bottom
So when will my savior come?
To rescue and to love me
I will wait forever I know
Till my soul is cold and rotten.

When love was in the air !!!

2008-05-06T20:40:00.000+05:30

I don't quite remember when I wrote this poem nor for whom. I found it today when I was clearing up my room of the junk stack of papers. Though it would make a good read (and I had to document it somewhere).

I’ve been around,
The crowd all over me
But, I clanged with my battered ego
In the shadowy comfort of your ignorance!
My own self is long gone
In the vapors of sweet perfume you wear
And you run away, like I don’t care!

How can I ever say more than nothing?
I’m drowning in the words that you never said
You came by a million times,
But we never met.
I’m not sure why the heart beats or what it says
But it’s always funny when you come by
How can I ever understand you?
When I’m far, far away from me!

I know it’s our of question now
But, this one time I want to believe in fairy-tales.
I want to hold hands and touch the lips,
And hold them a little beyond forever.
I know you won’t hear, and I won’t speak
But, I’ll close my eyes and tell you,
A little whisper, while you are asleep!

nothing post

2008-04-28T16:27:00.001+05:30

I spent the whole day sleeping today. I mean the day is still there, left a bit, I know. But, I buried myself in my room the whole afternoon and I slept (chatted a little on orkut and peeked into a few profiles with interesting faces) and did nothing else. Now, its already evening and I may go out to play or run or to do nothing but go out. I should go out.
Forget that.
Period.

Mirror.

2008-04-21T17:09:00.000+05:30

The devil is most loyal, it doesn't leave you, easily. It is like an addiction. An addict is an addict for life. The 'devil' will not leave, it knows no doors, only windows which keep it alive with the fresh breath of temptation every day, every minute of the day. So, the devil will rent your heart to make space to live, forever. Unforgiving. You will have to live with the devil, even if it was not you who invited it to come in the first place, it doesn't care!
It is not like a rotten part of your body that you can amputate and throw away. It becomes a part of you. If the devil goes so do you. The devil is here to stay forever. So how can you become beautiful again? The same way in which the rose hides its thorns; start blooming. Let no one see the devil, bloom so much, so varied, so vast, so full. The devil still stays but it is diluted, subdued and insulted. I'm not God to tell you anything, may be if you insult the devil a lot, it would leave you. Torment it, hurt it, pester it, mock at it, insult it. Insult it.
I am beautiful.

Dear R,

2008-04-20T07:47:00.000+05:30

A writer can never write for himself. He should not. Interpretations are futile. The theory that works around a writer and his work is 'teleportation'. It is an art of sending the consciousness to the place where the character belongs. Not just surpassing the constraints of space and distances but that of time. In a way a writer is a physicist, understanding and respecting the 'parallel universes' and going through each one of them to find out the one that suits the best. It is all about patience, the more one explores, the more one tries to find out, the better the 'best' choice would become. But then, there can never be an absolute best to any story because a story is just like a human being; always unexplored, always incomplete and always interesting, just like a human being. Like all humans, a story is always a case study but never into the mind of the author, just like you don't judge GOD by looking at his creations !!!

New year .. Happy ???

2008-04-13T18:47:00.000+05:30

Today happens to be the 'new year' for the Tamil folks 'around the world'. My college has a predominant Tamil population and the new year celebrations see the stuff which is usually missing, traditional 'sareis' and 'vestis' (for men), songs and prayers (much more enthusiastically chanted than the regular days), flowers all around, the special scent of the 'puja stuff', smiles and wishes.
I went to the temple in the morning. Hopes of catching some of my friends in saries, wishing some people I've long forgotten, helping myself to some of the tasty 'prasadam'. Exchanged like a million smiles!
While I was returing I met this girl I know since a year now; some old friend's friend. I gave her my wishes for a happy and prosperous new year. She paused a while,then I saw a smile developing on the face, then the lips parted and came 'thank you' and closed. I smiled back. But, hey, where's my share of wishes? I'm the kind of person who usually doesn't stop from demanding what I deserve so I asked her '... and wish me the same now'.
Nothing. I asked again.
'But why for you?'
'Why, can't the year be happy for me?'
'No!'
'Hey ...'
'It's not your "new year"'
'So what, can't I be happy in "your" new year?'
'No, it's not your "new year"'
Period.
After spending 4 years in a place which I've started calling home for more reasons than I can imagine, I remain an alien.
I don't blame the girl for being cold (she didn't know that I would put all this in my blog... psss ...), she was just surprised. After all who am I to put her 'culture' at stake? This guy who doesn't fit the Tamil prototype of a 'good guy' in any manner. Though a 'brahmin' by birth, hardly goes to the temple, does 'sandhya' and chants special prayers before having his food every time. What is even more blasphemous is the fact that I don't have a 'yagyopaveet' (the thread around the brahmin male torso to mark the fact that he would value work which is guided towards enriching the soul of the world above everything else, that he would not do things that are immoral in any manner or any degree) to sport though my 'yagyopaveet sanskar' has been done instead I have an earring in the left ear which shouts out loud that I'm not going to follow the 'morality which is the advantage of the stronger party'.
All things said and done it really doesn't matter. Not to me. Not to her. Not to anyone else. But, it makes an impact which somewhere so subtly that we don't even notice it until it stares right in our face threatening the peace in our lives and heart.

Killing kills ...

2008-04-09T22:10:00.000+05:30

I saw a very irritating video today. A man was lying handcuffed and blindfolded, another 'man' came towards him, stooped with a knife in his hand and slit the throat of this man who was lying helpless. I couldn't see more of it but I can imagine that what must have followed would've been blood oozing out of the cut, flooding his whole surrounding and flooding the eyes and heart of the people watching it.
This particular video was shared on a popular video website and had a lot of views credited to it.
I do know why people kill other people. The motivation at times must be really overwhelming. The one thing I've not been able to understand till now is how anyone gets the courage to kill. Will not the sight of the spilling blood haunt him each time he kisses his wife or talks to his father or drops his children to school or plays a football match with his friends? I don't know. Perhaps I will never know. But, what's sad is the fact that the people reading this post will never know and those who do know will never read it !!!

Dogs ???

2008-04-08T23:24:00.000+05:30

I go inside. See a dog sitting in the mud. Relaxing. The dinner just got over and his night scout for the leftovers has just ended. Another, younger and more enthusiastic, is still wagging his tail around, finding pieces of the chapattis (which fail to qualify even as an effort towards good food) that were served in the dinner in the hostel. The dog (the one that’s relaxing) is attractive in a way and I go over to run my hands across its face (or is it its head). A little apprehensive in the beginning, it let’s its fear wane with each stroke of my hand and I can see this serene look gradually taking shape on its eyes.
My work is over. I don’t have any bread to offer it. I start to move on. I do expect an acknowledgement for my affection but don’t expect it to stand and follow me. But it does follow me and jump, trying to lick my face. The younger dog has been observing all this public display of affection and is curious; food perhaps. It comes near and tries to share this caressing I’ve been doing to its older mate.
What follows is natural for dogs (and cats and girls). The two dogs start biting each other to impress upon their sole rights to this strange lover of dogs (who may have some food to offer). Hurting me a little in the process!

Are we living the present ?

2008-04-08T00:18:00.000+05:30

I went to the water cooler at 11:15 in my hostel today. Mr.X was coming back from his class and I offered him some cool water from my bottle. He asked me why I was not in class and I answered him that I was reading in my room. His next question stunned me. He asked me ‘what I was reading for’. Not ‘what I was reading’, not anything else but this 'what' sounded more like a ‘why’. Incidentally, I was reading “The Present” by Dr. Spencer Johnson. The book talks about how being in the present is important for shaping your future and learning from your past. Many of us live in the future or the past. Even the effort we put in today are totally inspired by the dream of the future leading us to a situation where we are unable to enjoy our present at all.

My little book !

2008-04-03T20:24:00.001+05:30

I heard someone say some years back (probably my school teacher) that the stories that are based on the characters and their character and lives are much better than the ones that have a string of events put together. I may become an author someday. You know, the kind of authors who decide to get published just for themselves; a healthy disregard for the norm; a desire to talk to the world in a language which is not known to them and if known then not appreciated. These are the people who are always trying to put across a philosophy which negates everything that the world holds tender.
I think I've found a few characters for my book. All people around me; friends who have influenced me in more ways than imaginable. Inspired. Hope I do write this book someday ... soon ...

Who is ready ???

2008-01-15T01:21:00.000+05:30

Some people like me have really crazy names.
My name is Prasoon Joshi.
Many call me 'PJ'.
I've never offered anyone 'anything'.
Even I'm not ready.
;-@

2007-12-30T04:14:00.000+05:30

अब भी जिसका खून ना खौला वो खून नही है पानी है,
जो देश के काम ना आये वो बेकार जवानी है।

Open system ...

2007-12-29T21:40:00.000+05:30

The natural tendency in humans is to socialize, to get themselves structured in small (or at times large) groups. The significance of these groups is the line that is drawn to remind those who are outside. We have groups of religion, color, caste, creed, sexual orientations, even groups with people having similar dreams and desires. Most often than not these groups are nothing but a means to tell the human mind that they 'belong' to something. Take orkut for instance, many of us join communities that we never visit again, we join them to tell others that these are the places where I belong.
At times this comes as a very big advantage. Forming groups improves our productivity, team work is essential for enhancement in any field. But there are times when people like me wonder how wonderful it would have been if each individual was considered and respected as an individual. How beautiful would the planet be if we had the choice to belong to many contrasting things at the same time, if we had the sense to appreciate many theories and be a part of everything simultaneously.

Once upon a time ...

2007-12-27T01:24:00.000+05:30

The guilt never dies. It lives long after the door is closed and the light is shut out. And it has a strange habit of reappearing at the most strange and awkward of places and times. Often, it shows up as tears in the eyes or a suppressed smile on a superficial face.
I wonder many a times, who is best ? I know what is easier. Its easiest when the soul is dead, no one can be free of guilts but its easier when nothing taps at your door every minute. And what about those who care ? Those who do have a heart and what happens when it beats a lot more, at times a not just for you !!!

EACH DAY BECOMES EVERYDAY ...

2007-12-26T05:49:00.000+05:30

Everyday, in the evening, I run a few kilometres. I like running. It frees my mind and gives the body a kind of high which is never possilbe through any other 'artificial' means. Then I eat my dinner after taking a shower. Then I go out to the temple (its inside my college campus).
So, practically each day I visit the temple and I see God. Each day.
And each day on my way to the temple I find that the roads are getting ready for the next day (I venture out at around 9 at night). And each day I find small kids sweeping the roads. Each day I rush past them in a hurry because I dont want to get dirt on my clothes after taking bath and putting on the clean set of clothes. Each day I ignore the fact that I am blessed with a lot that they dont have. Each day I live out another day of my life. Each day I see people battling it out in the world. Each day I thank God. Each day I sleep. Each day becomes the next day, then each day becomes everyday.

Magic in (of) life .

2007-12-11T16:12:00.000+05:30

We're all looking for a little magic in our lives. A little something which we never expect but always wished for. The magic is not in its impossibility but in our inability to think of it as possible. We all wish for a morning when we would wake up and find all our troubles vanished. The golden walk down the usual neighbourhood when a very special person would come along with us and walk a few miles together. A dream where we would find all our loved ones with us. The tender touch of our mothers.
We hardly think of this magic as possible. A part of it being magical is the fact that we always believe that it is not in the cards for us. Ah, what would happen if I may get this or that ? This is magic.
So, what happens if this magic never happens ? Does it change the way we dream ? Or does it make us believe in some super (mystical) power which is keeping us away from what we desire (for the greater good or bad) ? Does it teach us to think 'reasonably', 'practically' ? Or does it teach us the meaning of the word 'imagination' ?
And what would happen if the magic does happen ? It would make us belive. Not just in a mystical power, but in yourself. It would make us believe in our abilities. Not just our ability to work hard but our ability to dream and imagine. Our ability to wish for some magic.

When logic fails ...

2007-12-10T14:29:00.000+05:30

All this story about "Karma" is nothing but simple logic. If you dont study you would not get good grades. If you cross the street while counting the flying chickens in the sky you may get hit. Everything that this karma theory says is about cause-effect which is totally explained by logic.
So, what happens when logic fails ?
How do you explain things which are beyond the imaginary ?
Why does a person die all of a sudden ?
Where do the dead go ?
Why does one fall in love ?
Why does one hurt the person they love so much ?
Why is GOD counting only our sins ?
Why is sex bad ?
How is marriage more sacred then sex ?
Why do some people laugh at you when you smile ?
Why do parents love their children ?
Does a terrorist go to hell ?
Who do people go to watch horror movies for 'entertainment' ?
Is it bad to hurt others ?
IS it bad to hurt yourself ?
Is it good to get hurt ?
Do I ask too many questions ?

I'm not an atheist and that is the reason why I ask these questions.

Dont read this !!!

2007-12-10T08:05:00.000+05:30

I dont want you to deny everything that you have belived all your life. But, the fact is that most of us are living a lie. And how well are we at that !!!
You walk down the road, go to the streets, check into a hotel, sit in a classroom, jump into a swimming pool, and you would find people living a lie. After stuff which they would never need and ignoring all the important ones.
Atti bhai told me about the 'duality'. With this vague picture painted across my mind I've started analyzing things around but found nothing.
This is a very wierd schema of people. I'm not tired. Never can be. But, for the first time in my life I'm not intoxicated with this. I'm alive now !!!